Perception

It amazes me how everyone interprets the world in a unique way. The same event can have a different impact on two different people.

I need to learn to execute things rather than day dream all the time. A violently executed plan now is better than a perfect plan executed later.

A Meadow

Sometimes I believe it's futile to believe in good things. There are massive parts of me that feel the concept of good can only be perpetuated with self-inflicted ignorance, a sort of defense mechanism from the cruel dark truth of existence. But the other part of me feels that believing in positivity and constantly pushing towards the light is beautiful. The thought of dedicating a lifetime to the pursuit of creativity, truth and love only to discover that ultimately there is only emptiness is very embarrassing. I would feel a fool to have so terribly misled myself. However upon thinking deeper, what is more foolish? Living a half-assed passionless life, never conjuring the strength to believe in believing or taking an educated chance that beauty and life are worth it, no matter how apparently fleeting they are. Does the life-span of any single moment, any single thought or piece of artwork or poem or kiss or relationship or embrace or idea, bear any relevance to it's worth? I can't quite put my finger on why, but it seems selfish to only express yourself or believe in something or commit time and effort to something when you can be certain that it will matter to someone somewhere or that it will bear relevance to the bigger picture, even if you are quite sure that it is a good thing. There may or may not be a heaven or a bigger canvas on which our smaller picture is painted but should that have any impact on our ability or willingness to fall endlessly and completely in love with life and each other?

Rome

Rome wasn't built in a day, but it could have been destroyed in one.

I don't know if it's negative projection but I swear negative actions and emotions trump positive ones. Maybe it's because pain is more basic, easier to relate to than happiness? Maybe it's because we learn more from the times we're in pain than the times we're in happiness? I suppose it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint. As a child discovering that when you touch something hot it hurts is more useful in the long run that discovering when you are with friends it is fun. Even something like feeling happiness with friends could be written off as purely an evolutionally carved survival tool. The more a species sticks together the more likely it is to survive (to a certain extent). Feeling lonely makes you sad, feeling like a part of something makes you happy.

Should understanding how something works or how something came to be or where something is going subtract from the beauty of it?

Seasons

It's so weird how something that can be the right thing to do at one point in your life can be the wrong thing to do at a different point. I suppose "right" and "wrong" are quite subjective, but still, it's really interesting to me how maintaining a balance is crucial to being a happy, interesting and successful person. Or at least that's how I reckon it goes. Or at least that's how I reckon it goes for me.

Well Well Well

So as it seems, some things always go and some things stay to fade away.

What now...

what comes next? How many more shitty nights and tired mornings of this can I take?

I'm not sure what to blame. Is it really my undying dedication to become something more than your average 9-5er? Or, as I fear, as it just my nature of irresponsiblity rearing it's ugly head.

I've looked at everything school has to offer, and I'm not going to lie, alot of it is really interesting. But thats where it ends, interesting. None of it seems fufilling. I can't picture working of these professions, waking up and saying to myself "Yes! This is everything I have dreamed life could be. I have won." Maybe no matter what you do a morning like that simply will never happen.

Maybe.